I am far from being disconnected from my phone, and I find myself still rushing to it after I've been away from it for an extended amount of time, but what I am noticing, is that I am taking offense to when I am wanting to spend quality time with people and they are attempting to have a conversation with me and texting other people at the same time. Now to be honest, I am still guilty of this behavior too, and I'm ready to change it. I tend to think that my time is precious and the people I choose to spend time with most likely feel the same way, and what I am realizing, is that I find it extremely rude when people don't value my time or my presence.
When I am spending time with someone, I have made a conscious choice to be with that person at that time and it is important for me to make the most of every minute that I choose to spend with loved ones and friends. I love making making people feel special, and at the end of the day I want to feel special too. When I am either texting someone, or taking insignificant phone calls while interrupting a real person-to-person interaction I am being rude and disrespectful. Being rude and disrespectful are two qualities that I am not ok with giving or receiving.
So how do I proceed? Of course there are going to be times when it is important to respond to a phone call or a text, but what I have found to be true is that 95% of the phone calls, texts, and emails, I receive can wait a little bit, if not for a a while. My intention is to be present while engaging in person-to-person interactions because it is important to me to connect with the people who take the time to be with me. I cannot change other people's behavior, I can only change my own, so when I find myself feeling like whomever I'm with is being rude or disrespectful to me, I have the choice to either say nothing, or speak up and share how I am feeling.
Here are some questions and thoughts that have come up around this issue for me:
What makes interaction with one person more important that an other?
Is a casual text conversation really that important?
How can I make the people in my life feel appreciated and special when I am with them?
Can I ask the people in my life who really only communicate with me on the phone to only call/text me at specific times?
What would it be like to turn my phone off for a set amount of time every day?
Now obviously this is an issue I am working with, I'm sure anyone with a phone experiences this to some extent, but I am curious, what behaviors do you take offense to that you actually perpetuate too?
I haven't been blogging for a while, and it feels good to be back.
Say hi, and have a great week!
Talia
I completely agree with this! I have definitely called people out on this same thing before, but I do it too, and it really is hard not to. I think for me it has something to do with wanting to be involved in everything so I can listen to this conversation while texting someone about plans later and telling my mom I will be home soon and so on. However, I can get really irritated when I am trying to have a real conversation with someone and they are texting even though "they are listening". I think one of the tough things about this is expressing to others that it is irritating, but the first step for me I think should be just setting the example because I don't want to be a hypocrite, so I'm going to try to do that!
ReplyDeleteTalia,
ReplyDeleteThis is so true. I will often get told that I take too long to text back or don't answer my phone. I come from a family that thought caller id was rude to answer. If Mom was on the phone, she would only answer if I called over and over! As I got older, I started to do the same thing. Now if someone puts me on hold, I will give them about 15 seconds and then I'll hang up and let them call me when they have time later (if they can reach me- LOL). The same idea applies to people making plans and then changing them if something better comes up! I hope I'm never seen as a person who is like that although I know I've done it. One thing I'll never forget about Jesse's Grandmas funeral is someone talking about how she missed an important event to go to something boring (can't remember exact details) since she always stuck with her first commitment. I was impressed that people knew that about her and looked at her so gracefully because of it.
Great point Talia. As more and more people have phones with internet access, it just gets compounded because there is always something to check on or emails to answer, on top of phone calls and texting. I usually will not pick up my phone if I'm in the middle of a conversation, and will ignore it for hours. Hopefully that isn't too annoying for people trying to get ahold of me. But everyone has to figure out their own system. I think it not only lets you focus on the people who are around you in that given moment, but even lets you have some peaceful or focused time when you are on your own or in the middle of a project.
ReplyDeleteLove it, love the way you wrote and how honest you are about your part in it all. I experience this often and I feel incredibly aware of its effects because I try so hard to be attentive and engaged with those in front of me. At times it is a real effort. In some ways I am the opposite to a negative extreme. I have a hard time finding when to answer the phone or send a text because I spend so much of my day directly with people, I am fundamentally "present" but I am no longer reaching out as well to those on the other side of the phone. There is always something...
ReplyDeleteGreat comments!
ReplyDeleteAlison, I agree that is hard to tell someone that they're behavior is irritating to you, because usually people get defensive and shut down when they feel like they are being attacked...even when your intentions are good. So, how do you express your feelings while remembering that someone else's feeling are at risk too?
Leisha,
I love that you brought up the idea of changing plans for "something more exciting". I was just telling a friend of mine that another behavior that annoys me when it is done to me, and that I have been working on over the past few years, is when people say yes to something that they actually don't want to do. I am all about people committing and being accountable for what they say they'll do, and on the flip side I only want people to commit to me if they really want too. For a long time I said yes to everything, only to find myself setting up the expectation that I would do anything at anytime, peopel got slightly offended when I did say no, and finally that I was spreading myself too think. Now I try my gardest to stay organized, say yes only when I mean it, and be honest about why I want to do something or not. It's a constant work in progress.
Kelly, I really like the idea of creating more peace and quiet in general in my life, and being so tied to my phone seriously inhibates that. I think I am going to take my own advice and really try to turn my phone off for a set amount of time, say when I'm song writing, and not turn it on until I am done...wish me luck!
Laurie,
You are absolutely right, it is always something. I was definitely thinking about you when I was writing this entry. I agree that you are one of the most present people that I know, and I love that you do make people feel special when they are in your presence. So let me ask you this, what are you missing by not reaching out to those on the other side of the phone? How can you reach out and still be fundamentally "present"?
Thanks for your comments, they are great!
Talia
I am just reading your blog for the first time, Tal. Love the topic ... and so pertinent to all of us. My biggest wake-up to this was a year or more ago when I was with my sister and she was on facebook every 3-4 minutes while I was at her house. I am at her house for about 12 hours per year!! I had never seen someone so disconnected from me. She can be extremely defensive so I was worried about the exact question that you posed, Talia... How do I express my sadness while still being sensitive to her feeling? I finally just said to her something about the fact that I was present for her and her family right then and was there any chance that she could do the same for me. I tend to be one who believes that posing a question is less threatening to others than a statement. I am with Kelly in creating calm in my life. I am not connected to my phone at all and I wonder when I will get sucked in. I feel badly for those who call, text and want a quick response. However, most seldom require a really fast response. I think that it reaching out to others has taken some new meaning. Just because we take an hour or two to respond does not mean that we are not present to those on the other end of the phone. (My opinion!) Sometimes waiting allows me to interact more with more meaning because I actually can give them the time that I want to instead of short snip-its of time.... In the meanwhile, I will continue to ask others if they can be present with me if I am with them.
ReplyDeleteWe just moved and my phone charger is packed away in one of the bajillion boxes, so I have been without a cell phone for going on 48 hours now. This was super stressful to me at first but now almost feels good!! maybe i will think about having some time everyday without my phone on in the future. i sure know it annoys me to no end when joe plays brickbreaker in my presence. makes me feel uninteresting..though i totally understand the addiction factor and have no taken to doing sodoku on my phone when he does BB to give him a dose of his own RX - prbly not a healthy response..
ReplyDelete